In Memory and Research: A Mother’s Tribute Culminates in a PhD

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In a deeply personal and emotionally challenging journey culminating in a thesis that explores the grief experiences of parents who have lost their children, Dr Adri Sutherland graduated with a PhD degree in Ministerial Studies.

Her thesis: Intertwined Lives Reconstructing Life after the Death of my Son: An Autoethnography of a Pastoral Counsellor and Mother, courageously describes her own grief experience in losing her son, Aidan, and that of eight parents whose children died before the age of 30, including two miscarriages.

Described as ‘a significant contribution to grief research,’ Sutherland used an autoethnographic methodology to make sense of her trauma and find out whether other bereaved pastoral counsellors or ministers had the same experience when they suffered the loss of their children.

Her PhD journey began in 2003 with a master’s thesis: Pastoral Care and Counselling for Mothers Whose Children Developed Epilepsy and Cognitive Impairment: A Challenge to the Church. It was based on Aidan’s traumatic experience of contracting encephalitis (inflammation of the brain) and intractable (uncontrollable) epileptic seizures at the age of four. Trying different modes of healing throughout the years, none of which led to the full control of the epilepsy or restoring his cognitive abilities, Aidan unexpectedly died at 18.

‘Losing a child is one of the most traumatic experiences anyone can have. It disturbs the natural order of what we perceive life to be - parents should die before their children, they should not bury their children. So when a child dies, a parent’s life is impacted on various levels: emotionally, spiritually and physically. In turn, these areas permeate one’s family and professional lives. It takes conscious effort to deal with how grief affects all these areas in one’s life to reconstruct life after the death of our children. As a parent, there is a “before I lost my child” and an “after”, hence the “reconstructing of life” because life is not the same afterwards as one has to learn to live without your child,’ says Sutherland.

‘I was devastated when Aidan died. Ironically, I found myself observing the stages of grief as I was going through them, although I would rather call it the turmoil of grief, because that is what my experience was. Grief is not a neat and tidy step-by-step experience. It is a mess of emotions, where you can experience all the different emotions - shock and disbelief, blame, anger, depression, acceptance - in one hour, or in one day. Or sometimes, one emotion for a long period of time. And just when I thought that I was fine, a memory or trigger will surface, placing me right back in turmoil.’

Using autoethnography (a narrative approach focusing on the personal experience of the author), her thesis allows readers to witness the author’s account, and apply it to their own losses, healing wounds, creating meaning, and finding coping mechanisms.

‘In autoethnography one can make use of use of journal entries, poems, scripture, photographs, and pictures, using them both as data and reflection. I chose the personal narrative form of autoethnography to explore and make sense and find meaning in my own experience as a pastoral counsellor and mother who has lost her son. Most importantly, my story is also his story and I wanted to commit Aidan’s life, his very existence, to history so that what he meant to me and our family is always remembered.’

Focusing on the grief experiences of pastoral counsellors and ministers, Sutherland continued to adjust the criteria to include grieving parents of children who have died at different ages, miscarriage, and stillbirth. These diverse experiences enriched the data and analysis of research; showing that whether in utero or whatever age when the children have died, or however long since their death, there is scope for comparison for both similarities and differences in the grieving process and coping mechanisms in resuming professional life in the midst of grief.

Despite mentally and emotionally trying to distance herself from the research, Sutherland found herself struggling to grapple with her thesis because of the painful reminders from engaging in it academically. ‘I would be fine during postgraduate seminar presentations, but the emotional strain of trying to “keep a professional demeanour” would take its toll. I inevitably would go home and virtually cover myself under the blankets. Afterwards, it would take up to a month before I could start working on my thesis again. It shows in the duration I took to complete the thesis - five years. It was also difficult since I had to balance family life and work with my grief.’

Sutherland’s study also revealed that whether one is emotionally expressive or not, men and women grieve equally deeply. Further, disenfranchisement (when grief is not acknowledged, or the person is not given the space to grieve) is prevalent among the grief experiences of all the pastoral counsellors and ministers. Pastoral counsellors and ministers’ struggles with loss or other life crises may often be downplayed, while they are encouraged to be self-sacrificial, making it difficult for them to cope.

‘Because of the nature of our profession, we are expected to know how to cope with the grief of the loss of our children. People forget that we are not grieving our children as pastoral counsellors and ministers, we are grieving as parents. And as a parent, at that traumatic time, you do not focus at all on the years of training and experience of working with the bereaved,’ she said.

Sutherland is considering turning her thesis into a book or journal articles as well as doing research on bereavement of parents whose children had special needs. Having trained laity through the years, she also hopes to help others, including students in ministry, to deal with their own grief so that they can help others effectively.

Appreciating the support of her family, friends and supervisor, Sutherland’s road to graduation has been emotional. Having lost her proud and supportive father at the start of her PhD, she persevered. Sadly her mother, who was looking forward to attending her graduation, passed mid-August.

‘We all need to find a reason to continue the hard work and balance studies and life with all its challenges, traumas, and bereavements. And in the end, it is our achievement of persevering through whatever life may throw at us, that will make us proud of ourselves.

‘Since childhood and even now in adulthood, I have loved reading and watching fairytales where everyone lives happily ever-after. However, I now know life is a mixture of happiness and sadness. Life is not happy all the time; neither is it sad all the time. It is my faith and belief that I will be with Aidan, my mom, and dad in the eternal ever-after. And that is no fairytale to me.’

Words: Rakshika Sibran

Photograph: Sethu Dlamini